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The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger, by Susan Edmiston, Leonard Scheff
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Road rage. Domestic violence. Professionally angry TV and radio commentators. We’re a society that is swimming in anger, always about to snap. Leonard Scheff, a trial attorney, once used anger to fuel his court persona, until he came to realize just how poisonous anger is. That and his intense study of Buddhism and meditation changed him. His transformation can be summarized in a simple parable: Imagine you are circling a crowded parking lot when, just as you spot a space, another driver races ahead and takes it. Easy to imagine the rage. But now imagine that instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into that parking space and settled down. The anger dissolves into bemusement. What really changed? You―your perspective.
Using simple Buddhist principles and applying them in a way that is easy for non-Buddhists to understand and put into practice, Scheff and Edmiston have created an interactive book that helps readers change perspective, step by step, so that they can replace the anger in their lives with a newfound happiness. Based on the successful anger management program Scheff created, The Cow in the Parking Lot shows how anger is based on unmet demands, and introduces the four most common types―Important and Reasonable (you want love from your partner); Reasonable but Unimportant (you didn’t get that seat in the restaurant window); Irrational (you want respect from a stranger); and the Impossible (you want someone to fix everything wrong in your life).
Scheff and Edmiston show how, once we identify our real unmet demands we can dissolve the anger; how, once we understand our "buttons," we can change what happens when they’re pushed. He shows how to laugh at ourselves―a powerful early step in changing angry behavior. By the end, as the reader continues to observe and fill in the exercises honestly, it won’t matter who takes that parking space―only you can make yourself angry.
- Sales Rank: #20602 in Books
- Brand: Unknown
- Published on: 2010-06-24
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 6.98" h x .56" w x 5.04" l, .50 pounds
- Binding: Paperback
- 197 pages
- The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger
Review
“This little gem of a book is full of practical advice, illustrated by engaging stories of ways to recognize―then handle―episodes of anger in our lives. It is funny at moments, thoughtful and thoroughly eye-opening in others, and requires no adherence to a Zen lifestyle to gain its benefits.”? ― Book Passage, San Francisco
(Management Today)
“Scheff, a lawyer and Buddhist who has conducted seminars on anger management, and journalist Edmiston take a fresh approach to the perennial issue of anger, which they identify as a way of responding to unmet needs or wishes. They show how, through the application of simple Buddhist ideas, readers can alter their responses to life's anger-inducing moments and move from anger toward compassion. VERDICT: This book is aptly pointed at those who are curious about Buddhist spiritual practice in today's world, with its many opportunities for rage and frustration; it should appeal to religious readers as well as mothers, business leaders, teachers, and others.”
― Library Journal
What do cows and parking spaces have to do with managing a third sector workforce?
Quite a lot, if your day-to-day life involves finding yourself in a situation where you might succumb to feelings of frustration or anger.
The Cow in the Parking Lot, by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston, says you can manage your anger in a positive way through the power of Buddhism. So when a colleague screws up, a donor pulls out or a charity campaign misfires, reach for the yoga mat, assume the meditation position and chant your cares away ...
You may be wondering where the cow comes in. Well, imagine you're in a supermarket car park, circling for that elusive space. You find one, but before you can reverse in, someone else has swiped it. Now imagine that, instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into the space and settled down. Your anger dissolves into bemusement.
Scheff and Edmiston explain that once we understand our anger "buttons", we can defuse a situation if they're pushed. Alternatively, just picture the cause of your frustration - be it a boss, colleague or donor - as a docile cow. That will soon have you smiling.
- Emma De Vita is books editor of Management Today
What do cows and parking spaces have to do with managing a third sector workforce?
Quite a lot, if your day-to-day life involves finding yourself in a situation where you might succumb to feelings of frustration or anger.
The Cow in the Parking Lot, by Leonard Scheff and Susan Edmiston, says you can manage your anger in a positive way through the power of Buddhism. So when a colleague screws up, a donor pulls out or a charity campaign misfires, reach for the yoga mat, assume the meditation position and chant your cares away ...
You may be wondering where the cow comes in. Well, imagine you're in a supermarket car park, circling for that elusive space. You find one, but before you can reverse in, someone else has swiped it. Now imagine that, instead of another driver, a cow has lumbered into the space and settled down. Your anger dissolves into bemusement.
Scheff and Edmiston explain that once we understand our anger "buttons", we can defuse a situation if they're pushed. Alternatively, just picture the cause of your frustration - be it a boss, colleague or donor - as a docile cow. That will soon have you smiling.
- Emma De Vita is books editor of Management Today
“The Cow in the Parking Lot: A Zen Approach to Overcoming Anger offers one of the best titles available on anger management. It's packed with insights and techniques that advocate getting calm instead of angry, and comes from a trial attorney who used anger to fuel his fiery courtroom presence. Buddhist wisdom permeates a powerful survey of what provokes anger and how to turn it aside.”
–California Bookwatch Review
“One of the best books I've ever read on anger. It’s lucid, comprehensive, and filled with valuable insights. Readers will discover not only an effective approach to overcoming anger, but the wisdom and methods to achieve a profound inner transformation – a life less troubled by destructive emotions, a life of greater happiness.”
— Dr. Howard C. Cutler, co-author with the Dalai Lama of “The Art of Happiness”
About the Author
Susan Edmiston, a former editor at Redbook and Glamour, writes for New York, The New York Times Magazine and Book Review, Esquire, The San Francisco Chronicle, and Women's Day. She lives in Berkeley, California.
Leonard Scheff, a successful trial lawyer in Tucson, Arizona, is also a practicing Buddhist who, for the last fifteen years, has conducted seminars on managing anger.
Most helpful customer reviews
65 of 66 people found the following review helpful.
I did not have an anger problem
By Briochegal
But I did have an irritation, annoyance, pissed off, impatience problem. It was not until I read this book that I understood those are all forms of anger. I have always prided myself on not having a "bad temper," or "anger issues." I truly never understood that my constant annoyance, impatience etc. were all anger based. This book was an eye-opener for me In the truest sense of the word. The goal is not to express your anger or to talk yourself out of it, or to smother it any way. The goal is not feel anger at all because when you do the underlying belief is that "this is not how I want things to be," in spite of the fact that the reality is exactly what it is,whether it is the way you want it to be or not. The fact that you get angry in the checkout line because the clerk is slower than you think she should be, does nothing to change her speed or the situation. In other words, it's all about you and the way you think reality should be but isn't. It's amazing how quickly you can stop anger in its tracks anger when you really look at and understand that you don't have to get angry (annoyed, impatient, pissed off etc.) at all. Wow, that's big, really big.
The book is based on Zen principles, but it is not religious in any way, nor do you have to be a Buddhist to benefit from it. In this age where everyone seems to be angry and expressing it non-stop, these are important lessons. The writing style is breezy, easy to read and understand even though the topic is deeply spiritual.
It really is a game changer. I have read it several times and each time learn and understand more.I highly recommend this book, even if you don't think you have any anger issues
23 of 23 people found the following review helpful.
If you've been told you have an anger issue...Do not hesitate...
By JW
I love this book it changed my life. I don't want to over share but after reading reviews on Haribo 5 pound bag of sugar free gummie bears, I feel safe doing it. I never saw myself as being an angry person, but get this ... I was. Explosively! Anything would set me off! My friends would often tell me constantly to get help & I would just ignore them & say that they were the ones with the problem. I'd use my anger to try (but fail) to manipulate, dominate & control just about everyone & every situation in my life. One day something harmless drove me to the edge of nearly causing someone I loved very much physical harm. I can't tell you how that terrified me. It was only then that I admitted to myself... I was angry & needed help. So glad I read this book. This books approach is very very gentle. I don't want to spoil this fantastic read for you. However, I also don't want you to pass up this opportunity. So I'll say this book despite the title ,is in fact very logical Captain. While at the same time coming across understanding & compassionate. Because that's it's nature it eases you into "ah moments" when you gain insight into understandings about yourself. This book takes very little work. Each chapter has one section where you are asked to do a little self examination. I don't want to spoil it, so I'll just say that many chapters in tandem with the exercises (another book I read) had me take a-- logical & very understanding, compassionate look at myself. I'm 40 today I can't really express you you how I needed this to happen in my life. I can't tell you how close to the razors edge I really was. How am I today & what did I discover about myself & my anger? Anger for me now, I see it as limiting & damaging emotion that hurts no one but me. How am I today? Happy absolutely 100% happy about what life is bringing me everyday. Now I'm aware that life can be different & I can be happy if I choose to be. It's such a change I decided to make & I'm confident you can too. Now I'm naturally more honest, loving understanding & compassionate to myself, to others. Take my 2 cents worth on this book my brothers & sisters. I want to also mention reading this book & the book, "The One Minute Philosopher" has improved has seriously changed my life. What have you got to lose? Your anger perhaps?
8 of 8 people found the following review helpful.
Helpful for both the angry person and the person on the receiving end of someone's anger
By k stove
I bought this for a family member who has an admitted problem with anger (this review is geared toward someone with an angry person in their life). I read this book before handing it over, and it actually helped me, too. In dealing with someone who is constantly angry or verbally abusive towards you, there can be a tendency to feel like you need to stand your ground and not let them push you around or it will continue. Of course, when you end up in a verbal altercation... no one wins. This book had one idea in particular that was helpful to me. That "if someone drops a red hot coal at your feet, you would be an idiot to pick it up and try to throw it back at them. You would just get burned yourself. The only way to keep from getting burned is to shake your head, step over it, and keep on walking." This is paraphrased, of course, but I liked that visual. Makes me not feel weak or submissive to just walk away when someone is angry... instead, walking away then becomes the only rational solution to avoid burning myself.
I liked the Buddhist fables (zen parables, they call them) that started each chapter and each taught a different idea. I suppose I'm a visual learner, so those were nice. All in all, this book emphasized that though some can think that the "alpha/macho" man is the cool guy, it actually takes exercising incredible skill and practice to maintain proper emotional control over yourself, and the person that can do that is the true master of himself/herself and is the one with the true strength. That is, the angry person is NOT the emotionally strong one, he/she is the emotionally weak one (or at least the one lacking emotional control over himself).
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